A Day in the Life

Back when I worked for a big hotel company in the mountains our General Manager had this brilliant idea that those of us that worked in executive positions should spend a day every quarter working in colleague positions.  Something about "walking a mile in the colleague's shoes so that we can appreciate where they come from."  Whatever.  What it actually became was a method by which you could determine if you were on her good side or bad side that quarter.  If you were on her good side, you got a cosy position such as answering telephones at Royal Service which is what I did for my first day in the life.  But, our poor Director of F&B who was permanently affixed to her "bad side" well, he got to clean toilets with the housekeepers.  So, yeah, lots of fun for me...not so much for him.

During the course of this exercise over the years, I worked as a bellman - okay, bellperson in February...when it was minus-35 C on the thermometer - couldn't really tell if I was on her good side or bad side with this position - afterall, there wasn't much going on for a bellmen when we only had 20 rooms occupied, but, it was minus-35C so, yeah...good side or bad you be the judge.   Also, you try running for valet cars when you have eight layers of clothing on and can barely bend over for fear of splitting your uniform because you have eight layers of clothing on!  

On one particularly painful day in the life, we all had to work an overnight shift - you know - so that we could appreciate how hard it was on the colleagues that had to work overnight.  I was definitely not sitting in favoured status at this point because I was assigned to work as a PA attendant (public areas attendant) which meant that I spent the hours between 11pm and 7am on a Sunday night no less, polishing the brass doorhandles in the clubhouse, vacuuming the Great Hall carpet and dusting the the baseboards in the Beauvert Promenade.  It begged the question - what value is there in having your Director of Sales become a housekeeper?  Two years later I still don't know.

But last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, wondering what the hell am I going to blog about today I thought, hey!  I can write a blog about a day in my life NOW!

So here goes:  Try not to fall asleep when reading this:

6:30am - 7:00am

• Up and at 'em.  Strip the beds and load up the laundry basket.  This is our big project for the day.
  
• Stumble downstairs, trip over the little dog who doesn't know if she should head to the back door to be let out like she is EVERY morning or if she should just dance under your feet until you almost fall down the last stair.
• Let the dogs out
• Fill up their breakfast bowls, let them back in to inspect whether or not they got filet mignon for breakfast.   Sadly disappoint the dogs.
• Let the dogs out again because the little dog forgot to pee when she was just out 2 minutes ago
• Kiss the one whom I adore goodbye with a bag of garbage in my hand.

7:30am - 12:00pm

• Begin the Great Debate:  Bran Flakes or peanut butter toast for breakfast?  Decide on Bran Flakes because it was more in keeping with the No Crap for Kim Redux
• Sort laundry and begin the wash
• Empty the dishwasher 
• Post blog - pitiful entry about poor pitiful me and my inability to bake because I am weaker than a string of spaghetti after an hour in a pot of hot water and I cannot refrain from eating whatever I make.  Wa, wa, wa.  
• Fluff & fold first load, load the colours
• Think about a shower but cannot get the big dog off my lap as it continues to pour outside, now accompanied by THUNDER!
• Pay mid-month bills.  Wondered when we'll win the lottery?
• Watch Live! With Regis & Kelly.  Marvel at the sight of her arms which are sculpted to perfection.  Actually they look a little masculine to me...but, given that the only definition I have in my arms are the wiggly bits on the underside, I guess I'm not really one to judge.
• Finally extricate the dog off my lap and jump into the shower. 
• Make lunch, a lovely toasted tomato sandwich on "calorie-wise" bread, a banana and a no-fat pudding cup (gotta get that dairy in some how)
• Fluff & fold load 2, start load 3

12:00pm - 1:00pm

• Watch "The View" and wonder why I tune in most days to listen to these ladies scream at each other about stuff I really don't care about anyway?  
• One final review of the sales fliers and finalize the grocery list.  This week's goal:  one week's groceries for two people for less than $70.
• Make the beds with freshly laundered sheets...mmm...smells Downey fresh!
• Fluff & fold load 3, start load 4
• Head to town to begin the great grocery quest.  Get stuck in the construction traffic on Rustico Road and wonder why they can't do this next month when I won't be on the island for two weeks.

1:00 - 4:30pm

• With list in hand make a stop at 3 - yes 3! - different grocery stores in order to maximize our grocery dollar.
• Realize that the sale on Palmolive liquid isn't really a sale at all so skip it altogether and head to SuperStore for the bulk of our grocery purchases
• Whip through the SuperStore only to be trapped in the check-out line for 20 minutes because evidently there are not enough cashiers for the volume of customers.  Think to myself - hey!  maybe I should apply to work here?  Rethink it when I realize that when I self-check-out at Walmart it causes me such great anxiety that I always leave either my wallet, my car keys or my purchases at the check-out stand - so yeah, probably not the career for me.
• With mere minutes to spare, load up the car with groceries and make my way down Queen Street to my monthly massage appointment.
• Sit in traffic on Queen Street, behind a horse & buggy AND a double-decker bus watching people jaywalk, and wonder if it will take the 10 minutes I have left to get to my appointment to actually travel the TWO BLOCKS to my therapist?
• 8 minutes later, I get to my parking spot and go visit my massage therapist with my stress level now through the roof because I had to actually DRIVE.  IN.  TRAFFIC.
• Ahh...soothing massage.  I leave the appointment decidedly greasier than when I came in, but who cares?
• Home to unpack groceries, dodging the big dog who is convinced each grocery bag will reveal a TREAT!  Just for HIM!  For the second time in the day I sadly disappoint the dog.

4:30 - 6:30pm

• Start dinner preparations - homemade cabbage salad, left-over fennel & orange salad and left-over roasted chicken.  So yeah, dinner takes 10 minutes to make!
• Fluff & fold load 4, begin load 5 - who says the art of doing laundry can't be a zen-like, day-long activity?
• Watch the Young & The Restless.  Yes, I admit I watch this crap.  And let me tell you what level of crap it is...It's like watching a car wreck - you want to look away...but you are compelled to keep watching.    I'm hooked.  I have great shame about this.  But not enough to stop watching it.
• Once again disappoint the dogs as I feed them not filet mignon for dinner, but instead dry dog food.
• Watch the first half-hour of island news on CBC.  Big story:  the weather.
• Welcome the one whom I adore home!  Yeah, someone to talk to!  
• Serve dinner, bowing after the rave reviews I receive for serving Leftovers!

6:30pm - 10:30pm

• Clean up after dinner.
• Check out the garden after the day's rain.  Discover some new weeds.  Pull those mo-fos out by their roots - they will NOT ruin my garden this year!
• Discover the ONLY pepper I had growing has now been partially eaten by some critter.  Fuck.  Devise a plan to foil the a) skunk, b) racoon, c) birds that are snacking on my peppers.
• Retire to the couch for an evening of TV with the one whom I adore.  Up first:  Triple Sensation followed by The Great American Road Trip and then a dose of the CBS Monday night comedies which I  watch between naps.

10:30pm

• The one whom I adore convinces me I'd be more comfortable asleep in bed.  So I head upstairs where I lie awake for 2 hours.
  

And now?  Now that it's the next day?  Now I'll start it all over again.  Except without the laundry, grocery shopping or massage.  Today's big job:  cleaning bathrooms!  So maybe being a public area attendant is paying off after all!

 

No Crap for Kim - The Redux

I've been trying to get a posting up for the last 2 hours, but it's proven more than a little difficult when one has a 50-lb dog quivering on my lap.  Yes, it's Monday!  And yes!  It's raining!   Again!  This time with thunder!  

Reading yesterday's posting again this morning it strikes me that I'm more than a little pissed off at this whole No Crap for Kim thing because if I'm to have any measure of success I'm going to have to give up something I need almost as much a breath itself.   I'm not talking about giving up alcohol or a specific food or even an entire food group.   I'm talking about having to give up baking.  It is one of the few ways I fill up may days here on the island in the land of the under-employed.

There's only so much laundry to be done.  My house has NEVER been cleaner and let's just say my vegetable garden has nary a weed.  Nor do any of my flower beds.  So yes, finding ways to fill up my days often takes a creative bend and if I'm not writing here at this blog, I can generally be found in my kitchen playing with ingredients to concoct a new dish, or experimenting with a new recipe I've either found on-line, on tv or in my antique cookbook.
And now, as I struggle with the eternal battle of the bulge, I have to give this up too.  It seems so unfair.

Oh, I could keep on baking, sure.  I could make mountains of macaroons and countless cakes.  But the problem here is that while I can be very headstrong, I simply do not have the willpower to say no to sweet treats if they are in my vicinity.  The one whom I adore made a crack last week about how much he enjoyed the two macaroons he got out of that last batch - so yeah, there's an indicator of what happens when I bake.   And don't even suggest that I set up a little bakeshop and run it from my house - I don't like to bake in volumes...I just like to make a batch of this or a loaf of that every once in a while (and then I like to eat it).   That would hardly sustain a home-baking business.  But thanks for the suggestion.  

So, what's a gal to do?  Any other suggestions?  Hello?  People?  I'm talking to you!

Since I'm obviously not going to be making this anytime soon, I share with you my recipe for orange cake.  Someone might as well enjoy it, if I can't!

Orange Cake

375 ml (1 1/2 cups) unbleached all-purpose flour

5 ml (1 teaspoon) baking powder

250 ml (1 cup) softened unsalted butter

250 ml (1 cup) sugar

Grated zest of 3 oranges

3 x eggs

60 ml (1/4 cup) orange juice

For the Strawberry Coulis

500 ml (2 cups) fresh or frozen strawberries, thawed

60 ml (1/4 cup) sugar

For the Garnish

1 L (4 cups) fresh strawberries, hulled

60 ml (1/4 cup) sugar

Zest of 1 lemon 

DIRECTIONS:

For the Cake

With the rack in the middle position, preheat the oven to 180°C (350°F). Butter a 10 x 20-cm (4 x 8-inch) loaf pan. Line the pan with parchment paper, letting the paper hang over the long sides.In a bowl, combine the flour and baking powder. Set aside.  In another bowl, cream the butter with the sugar and the orange zest using an electric mixer.  Add the eggs one at a time and beat until smooth. With the mixer on low speed, add the dry ingredients, alternating with the orange juice. Pour the batter into the loaf pan. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, about 1 hour.Let cool partially. Unmould onto a cooling rack and let cool.  If the cake is for a picnic, wrap in a clean tea towel or place in an aluminum cake tin.

For the Strawberry Coulis

In a blender or food processor, purée the strawberries and sugar until smooth.

Refrigerate until chilled, about 2 hours. 

If sauce is needed for a picnic, transfer to a Mason jar.

For the Garnish

In a bowl, gently toss the strawberries with the sugar and zest. Refrigerate for 15 minutes.

Serve slices of cake with the sauce and macerated strawberries. 

NOTE:  I didn't actually do the coulis - instead I made a simple glaze with the zest of one orange, 1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp icing sugar, juice of one orange whisked together until thick and smooth.  YUM.

No Crap for Kim - The Crisis

Shit.  Seems like No Crap for Kim has gone into a gigantic skid.  It all started with that weekend away to Nova Scotia where to feel like I was contributing to the community table, I made a copious number of things to snack on.  Not that they were completely unhealthy - homemade hummus, fresh guacamole and black bean salsa.  Full of fibre and flavour  - and if you're going to snack, why not on beans and fresh vegetables, I say!  So yeah, nothing bad there!

No, the black beans, avocado and garbanzo beans weren't the problem.  The problem really began with the homemade cinnamon rolls I made for the Sunday Hangover Breakfast.  I had never made homemade cinnamon rolls before...but you know my theory - if you can read, you can do anything so I cracked my faithful Better Homes and Gardens cookbook from 1971 and looked up a recipe.  I had about 20 to choose from.  I chose the one that had the most ooey-gooey components and holy moses, were they ever good!  Light, buttery, cinnamon-y, and full of caramel and walnuts.  The Colonel had nothing on these buns because I am here to tell you they were finger lickin' good!

There were two left over, so of course I brought them home and once they were in my kitchen I couldn't bear to see them sitting, lonely, in their little tupperware container.  So every time I walked by, I lifted up the lid of that little container and took just a pinch.  A pinch here.  A pinch there.   Here a pinch, there a pinch and before I knew it, I had pinched both of them into oblivion.  Well, thank God, really, because honestly I didn't need THOSE hanging around the house.

But then, then I was cruising the Foodtv.ca website and right there on their home page was a glorious looking orange cake.  It looked so good and hey, I needed to figure out a dessert recipe for the dinner party last Thursday, so, one quick look at the recipe and another foraging mission in the pantry and lo and behold, I had all the ingredients, so of course I had to try the thing.  Holy shit was it ever good.  Moist and flavorful with little flecks of orange rind running through the cake, with a light orange glaze on top.  Being that a main ingredient was orange, it was almost enough to convince myself that this wasn't really a bad dessert after-all...well except for the half pound of butter in it.  Ahem.

In between the cinnamon rolls and the orange cake I made a batch of coconut macaroons.  When I die and go to heaven (hopefully) I dearly dream that those clouds will be stocked with unlimited coconut macaroons.  Before they were completely cooled I ate 3.   The rational side of my brain eventually returned and I put the remainder in the freezer to save for another time.  Do you know how good frozen macaroons are?  I'm here to tell you...even better than a frozen Snickers bar!

Our friends came to dinner on Thursday night and in honor of their visit I made homemade herb be provence bread, mussels, lobster, and for dessert that incredible orange cake.  The  macaroons only made it 'til Friday - I had to get them out of the house - their mere existence was too tempting.

Last night, we went to the drive-in movies.  One of the things we love about going to the drive-in is that we can bring our own treats and so we spent the latter part of the week discussing what exactly each of us would have for our special treat at the drive-in.  By this point, the treat has taken precedence over the damn movie.  The movie is merely the conduit by which we can indulge in junk food.  And that we did.  The one whom I adore ate salt & vinegar peanuts - if you can imagine anything so vile, while I noshed on Smart Corn.  Have you ever read the label of Smart Corn?  Despite its name it is considerably less than "Smart" for your waistline.  In fact, it has so many calories, I'm ashamed to admit, I ate most of the bag.  The resulting bellyache kept me up half the night and if I were to ever look back on this episode it should be enough that I won't ever eat Smart Corn again....but I'm not holding my breath.  I love the stuff despite how it makes me feel.

Which brings me now back to today.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  And the first day of No Crap for Kim - the Redux.    With all the baking eaten and the junk food now gone, I stand a fairly good chance of getting back on the wagon...if it isn't rolling down the hill at breakneck speed without me.

Black Bean Salsa

2 Cups black beans, rinsed & drained

2 tomatoes, seeded

1 red or yellow pepper, diced

1 red onion, finely diced

2 cups Cilantro, finely chopped

1 TBSP Olive Oil

2 TBSP Each Lemon Juice & Balsamic Vinegar

1 clove minced garlic (about 1 tsp)

Combine beans, tomatoes, peppers, red onion & cilantro.  In small bowl whisk together vinegar, lemon juice, oil & garlic.  Pour over bean mixture and toss to combine.  Refrigerate 1 hour prior to serving.

Guacamole

2 to 3 ripe avocados

1/3 cup finely diced red onion

1/3 cup diced & seeded fresh tomato

2 tbsp mild green chilis

Pinch of kosher salt

Juice & zest of one fresh lime

1/3 c fresh cilantro

Dash of hot sauce or tabasco sauce (Frank's Hot sauce preferred)

1 tbsp ground cumin

Cut avocados, remove pit and using a potato masher, mash into chunks.  Add tomato, chilis, diced onion.  Mix in lime juice, hot sauce, cumin & chopped cilantro.  Taste & adjust for flavour - add more cumin, hot sauce, lime juice as needed.

Hummus

1 Can chick peas, rinsed & drained, reserving the liquid in a separate dish

2 garlic cloves

7 tbsp Tahini paste

4 Tbsp lemon juice

4 tbsp olive oil

1 tsp ground cumin 

to taste - salt & pepper

In food processor combine chick peas, garlic, tahini, lemon juice and olive oil.  Add cumin, salt & pepper.  Depending on the thickness, add liquid from the chick peas and continue to blend until smooth.

Garnish with olive oil & paprika.

Birds of a Feather

I stepped out of the shower yesterday and was face to face with a gigantic hawk who was lingering outside our bathroom window.  I stood there transfixed, watching this enormous bird swoop and soar around the backyard.   He seemed to have all the time in the world - I couldn't tell if he was hunting or just practicing his maneuvers but he was amazing to watch as he glided back and forth, swooping low then soaring high.  Have you ever been at eye-level with a bird in flight?  It really is a sight to behold.

We have lots of birds here in the OBB and we often watch as they hunt for prey in the fields surrounding our house, and once or twice watching them help themselves to one of the partridges that live in evergreen corner.  Yes, here in the OBB we have a partridge family.   Aside from the  hawks, we have osprey and eagles, not to mention ravens and let's don't forget about those Mo-Fo pigeons, who as an aside seem to have given up summering over at our house this year which is fine by us.

This morning as I sat with the dogs in our muskoka rockers on the front porch, sipping tea and watching the world go by I saw him again.  Except this time he was with his mate.  Yesterday I watched as he gathered sticks twigs and flew away to the field behind our neighbors house where clearly he's building a nest.   

You know real estate is all about location, location, location and I guess it holds true in the avian world as well, because the hawks are building their nest beside the Osprey nest which is like having the equivalent of a drive through next door.    Very clever those hawks are.

Russian Routlette

Have you ever been somewhere where you were speaking say, English and everyone else around you was speaking in a tongue that relied solely on the Cyrillic alphabet?  That’s how I felt every day for the first six months of my new job when I moved to Jasper.

I once went to Russia for business…well, business and curiosity.  As an incentive meeting planner and a person who could sway influence over where some of America’s leading companies held their international events, I was invited to visit Marriott’s newest properties in their collection; a brief visit to London and then on to Moscow, home to the KGB, the Kremlin and lots and lots and lots of vodka.  

Landing in Moscow and waiting for what felt like hours to go through immigration formalities, I stood in line trying to make sense of the signage that surrounded us.  The only problem is, the Cyrillic alphabet only has one or two symbols that even remotely resemble the same character in English.  Really, this wasn’t going to be a problem because the entire time our group would be in Moscow we would be escorted by a lovely guide, Wanda, who spoke impeccable English. 

Wanda was exactly what you would imagine a Russian tour guide to be.  She had blonde hair and black roots, she wore lipstick that was far too red for her peaches & cream complexion and she liked to sport 5” stiletto heels while she herded us through the cultural and architectural highlights of Moskva.    She was exceptionally efficient.  We drank vodka and ate caviar and blinis in front of St. Basil’s Cathedral, overlooking Red Square.  We toured the Seven Sisters, those buildings that look like Manhattan’s municipal buildings, but to us looked much more like giant cathedrals.  We saw Lenin’s tomb a creepy experience I would never want to repeat.  We visited a Russian Circus, complete with cycling dogs and the requisite ring-master who could not control those crazy Russian clowns.  We explored the countless treasures of the Romanov Dynasty at the State Historical Museum and we even rode the Metro, Moscow’s subway system that boasts stations made of marble, with mosaic works of art and, of course, crystal chandeliers.   

A special treat for us, however, were seats for a performance at the world-famous Bolshoi theatre where I fought off jet-lag and exhaustion while some of Russia’s most prima ballerinas twirled about the stage.  Not such a fan of the ballet (how could I be when at the age of 5 I was advised I really wasn't built for ballet and perhaps should find some other outlet for any creative endeavors I might have), a night at the Bolshoi was somewhat of a waste on me…but our hosts were so very proud to show us the best  of Russian culture and the arts,  so how could I refuse?   

Afterward, we were to take a taxi back to our hotel as arranged by Wanda, the lovely tour guide.  Except that she forgot to find us an English speaking cab driver and I’m here to tell you, our ride from the Boilshoi to the Marriott was one I’ll forever remember as one of the most terrifying nights of my life...okay, that and that night in Rome with the guys with the machine guns!  My imagination, never short on things to concoct, was full of stories from all those Cold War spy novels I’d read.  I sat in the back of a dilapidated Lada, wondering just when exactly the Russian mafia would burst through the door of my cab, hijacking us and taking us to some underground nightclub where we would be sold to rich Russian men, never to see our families again. 

So yeah, our cab driver didn’t speak English but we thought, no problem, we’ll show him the room key to our hotel, which in perfect branding was emblazoned with the Marriott logo front and back.  Seems like the Cyrilic M and the English one, don’t look so much like each other.  So we rode around and around those wide expansive Moscow boulevards late at night, desperately hoping that the next turn would reveal our hotel and we could safely retire for the night.

Eventually he made the right turn and amidst screams of STOP!  HERE!  He finally clued in that this was where we wanted to go.  It took us 15 minutes to go to the Bolshoi, it took an hour to get home.     If only we had enough rubles to pay the cabbie....but that's a story for a different day.

The Eternal Question

If you write and then you post and no-one reads...are you really relevant?

Yesterday in History

Yesterday was a very big day in the world of pop culture with the funeral of Michael Jackson.  Just like when Princess Diana got married and then later died, the whole world tuned in to watch the ceremony of laying the king of pop to rest.  While I could watch the events unfold live along with the rest of the world, the one whom I adore had to work.  So to ensure he didn't miss anything I live updated him throughout the 2.15 hour event.  

Following are excerpts written to the one whom I adore.  While I realize someone has died and the world has lost a great entertainer, none of my comments are meant to minimalise that.  All comments are simply my observations of the memorial - things that struck me as interesting...or odd...or both.

2:06 PM

It's a star-studded line-up of celebrities that will honour Him. Kobe Bryant? WTF?
Also, Lionel Richie will lead a big chorus of We are the World.  Cool - I've always liked that song.  I'm sure it will be very moving.

2:14 PM

Smokey Robinson is reading condolence letters from Nelson Mandela and Diana Ross

2:35 PM

A gospel choir is singing and they just rolled in the coffin. The pallbearers are all wearing one white glove.

The casket is gold.

2:37 PM

people are screaming out "we love you Michael" while the pastor is speaking. Very uncouth.

2:40 PM

Mariah Carey is singing "I'll Be There" 

And not very well, either, if you ask me.

2:46 PM

Queen Latifah is speaking now...representing "the fans". She's doing the "robot".

Odd

2:51 PM

Actually Queen Latifah was pretty good...she read a poem Maya Angelou wrote. Now, Lionel Richey is singing....some song about Jesus is Lord - he won't let you down

2:56 PM

here's this gospel choir singing back up for Lionel. Two things: it's an all black choir EXCEPT for the platinum blonde in the front row who stands out like a platinum blonde in a sea of black people

Plus, there's a guy in the back of the choir who looks so angry he looks like he'd just as soon hit  someone.

Now some guy with a lisp is speaking. Oh, it's Berry Gordy - isn't he the former mayor of Washington who was just served with a stalking supoena? Oh, no, he's the head of the Motown record label - my bad.

I'm bad. Who's bad?

Interesting side note. Jermain Jackson has a son named Jermajesty. I shit you not.

3:04 PM

Berry Gordy went on and on and on about how he made the Jackson 5 what they were. Maybe he did make them stars...but really, is this the time to make that point?

And he kept saying Michael Jack-thon (lisp). The undithputed king of pop...a kid who fulfilled his wildeth dreamth.

They just panned to a wide shot of the Jackson brothers - all in black suits with yellow ties and red rose boutenniere and dark sunglasses inside the dark arena.

Now they're running a montage of his videos and the crowd is going CRAZY.

3:10 PM

They're running this thing commercial free - that's gotta be costing a pretty penny to the networks.

Stevie Wonder just came out. At least it makes sense that he's wearing sunglasses inside the arena.

He really should just shave off that mullet of dreads he's sporting. He's singing some song he wrote that Michael recorded but I've never heard. He's singing out of tune. 

3:17 PM

God that Stevie Wonder song was LONG and depressing. More like a dirge than a song.

Now Kobe Bryant & Magic Johnson are speaking about Michael being a humanitarian.

According to the folks at NBC News Kobe and Michael were "great friends".

Jesus Magic Johnson is one big mo-fo.

3:20 PM

I guess Magic was in an MJ video "Remember the Times". Who knew?

According to Magic, MJ loved eating KFC. 

So yeah, you and Michael have The Colonel in common.

3:24 PM

Jennifer Hudson is singing one of his songs now.

When Kobe and Magic were done speaking the Jackson 4 got up to give them a big hug. The camera got a shot of his kids - they're a little odd looking.

The background choir is step dancing and signing the words of the song. Shit, now they're dancing in a circle around Jennifer Hudson while a voice-over of Michael plays in the background. Creepy!

He may just pop out of that coffin yet!

3:28 PM

According to Al Sharpton Michael was a civil rights god. A leader in breaking down barriers.

I might have to remove myself to the bathroom instead of listening to this.

3:30 PM

Did you know that because of Michael Jackson Oprah got to be on TV and Tiger got to play golf? And EVERYONE got to vote for a black man for president.

The sound you hear is  vomit exploding from my mouth.

3:36 PM

Now the only white guy to grace the stage so far - John Mayer is playing electric guitar - MJ's "human nature"

BORING.

3:45 PM

Brooke Shields is speaking now and can hardly control her tears. Very sincere. Very real. She used to give him shit about the one glove thing.

So far her and Magic Johnson seemed the most genuine. Lots of others seem to be there for the show of it.

3:49 PM

Whew. that was emotional!

Okay, next up on the cavalcade of stars is Jermajesty's Dad, Jermain Jackson singing MJ's favourite song "Smile though your heart is aching".

I think it's pretty cool he can keep it together enough to sing at his brother's service.

BTW, in addition to the black suits/yellow ties/red roses all the brothers are wearing one sequined glove.

3:53 PM

Okay, Jermain struggled through that one. Now all the other brothers are giving him the love. They look like the mafia. 

Now up: Martin Luther King III?!? WTF??

4:00 PM

Those MLK children took what seemed forever to get through their sermon. The sister is a better speaker than MLK III.

Surely it's got to be over soon?

Just noticed Gidget shit on the deck at some point. Guess the grass is too long for her little princess ass.

Oh my god, some woman is now speaking on behalf of the Congress of the United States of America!

4:04 PM

That broad needs to  give the stage over to someone else. Maybe time for another song!

Hey, today's our 3 year anniversary!  Happy Anniversary Honey!  Who'd have thought 3 years ago that we'd be doing this today?

4:09 PM

Oh good, it IS song!
Sung by Usher!

Another guy not blind but wearing shades in doors. WTF?

Nice song though "Gone too soon"

Funniest Tweet on Twitter so far: "When will we know the memorial is over and the circus has begun?"

True, so true!

4:13 PM

Usher is singing to the casket. 

He broke down trying to sing the last note. Finally took his damn shades off. Getting the love from the brothers and Janet & LaToya. Then he went to give condolences to MJ's momma. Camera pans to a wide shot where you can see MJ's kids.

His kids looked bored by the whole thing.

Now playing a video of the Jackson 5 where Michael looks like a little pimp.

4:20 PM

If this doesn't end soon, you might not be getting dinner tonight. Plus, it's cutting into critical Y&R time.

Smokey Robinson back on stage reminiscing about how MJ took one of his songs and sang it better then he did. Seems a little chapped still after 40 years.

Ah, time for another song. This time by some 10 year old kid singing some blues song. Shaheen Jafargholi is his name - ever heard of him?

4:29 PM

Kenny Ortega - producer of his upcoming concert tour also put together today's memorial. He's on stage now telling everyone how they pulled it off on such short notice. For F-sake, the guy has been dead for 12 days...

Giving a big plug to the Staples Centre for hosting.

Some scary google-eyed guy singing the opening to We are the World. I think they're from the back-up choir. Oh, no, they're from the cast of the now never-to-be-seen London show.

This is the Big Finale. All the celebs are making their way to the stage to sing along. Big love fest. I notice no one is giving a microphone to any of the remaining Jacksons.

Now a group of children is coming out on stage singing Make this a Better Place. Nice touch.

4:36 PM

It's OVER...except for all the commentating that I'm sure will start at any moment.

Only one teary-eyed moment for me and that was when Brooke Sheilds was fighting back tears.

Guess you'll get dinner after all!

Oh WAIT. The family is taking the mic one-by-one crying and such - yikes, don't think this was scripted!

4:41 PM

Sweet Jesus, they let his daughter speak. Wrenching.

4:45 PM

Some clarity:

Shaheen Jharagolhi (or whatever) was the runner up from Britain's Got Talent and was supposed to be on tour with MJ for the London shows.

NBC Commentators liked Brooke Shields best too.

Theme of many speeches seems to be that MJ was a "victim" ... maybe now "they'll leave him alone".

Not bloody likely.