If I Only Knew Then...

...what I know now, well, suffice it to say, I might not have eaten every single one of those 1-lb bags of M&Ms before I went to bed at night.

Your 20's are a time of self-discovery - figuring out who you are, what you believe in, what you want to do with your life and who you want to become.  Long about that time of my life I was living in Atlanta, working crazy and countless hours, spending money I hadn't yet earned, traveling to some pretty incredible places all around the globe and searching.  Searching for something I hadn't yet realized I was looking for.  And because I didn't really know what it was  I was looking for, my 20s were also all about dealing with all that uncertainty, stress and searching by soothing myself by eating countless M&Ms, Reece's Peanut Butter Cups and let's don't even talk about all those Coffee Crisps imported from Canada.

If I only knew.  See, at the time, I had a metabolism.  In the 20-odd years since those days, I've misplaced it.  Probably in a vat of chocolate somewhere.  I'm hoping it's not lost forever, but with my advancing years, not to mention my advancing waistline, it's time I began searching for it again.

Here's the good news - in the 20-odd years since then, I have learned a few things.  

• Stop searching - things will somehow find you if you're meant to have them.  So, let the search for "it" (whatever "it" is) go.
• Don't spend money you don't have in the bank.  I've actually gotten exceptionally good at this and even though my mom desperately tried instilling this in me most of my life, it took marrying a financial wizard for the lessons to really sink in.
• Ice-cream is a fun food - fun because it comes in so many flavours.  Fun because you can eat it in a cone, with a spoon or sandwiched between two chocolate cookie/cakes.  Unfortunately, it's not so much fun when it hits my belly and makes me sick.  I've learned to let go of ice-cream.
• Probably most importantly (or relevant to this blog anyway) is the fact that I've learned the right way to eat.  I know I cannot eat unlimited quantities of bread and cheese and expect to drop a pound a week.   I know I have to have vegetables or fruit with every meal.  I know what foods make me feel full and what ones just leave me craving more.  I know I cannot metabolize white wine, but I can slug back vodka till the cows come home.  
• I also not only know what to eat, but I do believe, I know how much to eat.  Like for example, a serving of pasta is ONE cup.  Not the six cups you normally get at the Olive Garden.  Or that a piece of bread is 180 calories.  So much for something so little.  So unfair.

Anyway, all of this to say that week 2 of No Crap for Kim is successfully behind me.  Getting as active as I wanted hasn't been as easy what, with putting in all the hours I have been getting ready for our big fundraiser tonight.  But I did manage to get a beach walk in every day the weather allowed me to, including a nice long walk this morning.  So, activity-wise, I'm not where I want to be, but I am getting more active than I have been, for sure.

But, you want to know something.  I was recently looking for a picture of my cousin Lori to post about her not-yet 50th birthday and I came across some of my old pictures I had totally forgotten about.  Like this one:

That's me on the far right.  Can you believe that around the time I had this picture taken, I had visited my doctor for a yearly physical and he told me I was OBESE.  Yup, there I was, 5'7" and 170-lbs and I was considered obese.  If you just look at the numbers, I guess that'd be right.  But look at me.  I was wearing a size 10 in this photo.  Do I look fat to you?  I don't think so and what I wouldn't give to be that size again.

Which brings me to the point of this blog.  For way too long, I have let everyone and their opinion rule how I feel about myself.  I know for a fact that after that Dr. visit where I was told I was not just a little chubby, but that I was OBESE that I went home and ate a great big plate of brownies, trying to squash the inadequacy I felt.  So his little pep talk to motivate me to lose weight actually back-fired and it sent me right out to start putting on even more.

20-odd years later and I still struggle with this.  But, I am getting better.  I am eating smarter.  I have one cheat day a week where I give myself permission to enjoy that piece of dessert, if there is some (like that fabulous slice of blueberry pie Sat. night at the beach party - yum!).  I am now aware that I manage my emotions through food.   When I have those moments now, I do something else...like blog...or go pull weeds...or water my garden.  

I haven't been on a scale since I started No Crap for Kim, so I cannot put a number to my results...but I am getting results.  I can now wear pants I wouldn't wear  a month ago.  I've tweaked what I'm eating and the result is I feel full much of the time.  And when I'm hungry I eat.  But definitely not a 1-lb bag of M&M's.